Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I dont need to watch it. And stop comparing your life to Entourage.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
