HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
