never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
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