Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
