And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
