My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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