hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
