why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
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