I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Randomize
