I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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