nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
