whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
