I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
