I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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