really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
where are you?
Hypothermia
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
