I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
