Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
