I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
