How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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