i need an iv and a liver transplant
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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