she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
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