i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
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