I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Randomize
