I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
