Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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