ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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