There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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