i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
