My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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