just come out here and I will go home with you...
were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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