Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Randomize
