I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
Randomize
