Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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