maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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