I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
