my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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