i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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