how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
