his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
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