Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Randomize
