Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Randomize
