So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
