I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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