Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
