M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Randomize
