WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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