A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
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