Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Randomize
