life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
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