My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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