I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I made him laugh his dick is mine
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
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